Sometimes the person you fall for isn’t ready to catch you. – Unknown
Even when a relationship is over it’s hard to put on a straight face and talk about the priceless love lesson that you’ve learned and which you wouldn’t get otherwise. It takes some time to heal. The truth is, even when your relationship is over it is vital to stop for a moment and reflect.
When we are initially in a relationship with someone we love, we tend to think, we tend to believe and hope that this person will stay in our life forever. But in reality, some couples are like ships in the ocean that have different destinations. And it’s fine. That’s life.
We all move forward in our development. And what was uniting us before at the beginning of the relationship may start to push us away from each other right before its end. Then comes this time where two people who were so close together, turn into complete strangers and realise that they are not as close anymore.
When break up occurs some of us may experience:
– fear for the future
– severe depression
– issues with self-esteem
– trust issues and, as a result, fear of commitment and new relationships
– the deep grudge that holds us back from moving forward…
And then comes the question: how do we deal with a breakup? How do we move forward from that point?
How to Deal With a Break Up
Any break up feels like a considerable and irreplaceable loss. So it’s ok to take as much time as you need to mourn the grand finale of a relationship. Everyone has different reactions and the way they grieve. We get very angry and then dish out with fury. Some of us get heartbreakingly sad crying. Some of us are in a deep state of denial without any intention to realise that relationship is indeed over. And sometimes a sky full of emotions falls on our head at once. It’s ok.
This too will pass. Until then, there is no need to beat yourself up into oblivion for feeling the way you feel. You see, we have this image of ourselves and “the way we should feel” and when we feel otherwise, there comes guilt. For instance, I remember myself thinking: “Are you serious? Stop letting it get under your skin! You are better than that”, or another one “Get over him already, would you please?!”
In reality, it took quite a while for me to realise that there is no RIGHT way to get over someone and as quickly as we would like. Here, a perfect movie comes to mind to illustrate this idea: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Whatever you feel… whatever your conflicting emotions are – it’s part of our natural healing process. Let yourself feel what you feel. Let yourself heal.
1. The Finale Decision
When the show is over, it’s over for good. Yet sometimes we tend to plunge into denial and put a comma where there should be a full stop. For good. The faster we realise that things will never be just as they were at the beginning of a relationship and that we need to move forward, the easier the healing process will go…
2. Black & White Revealed
Think about the negatives and the positives in your past relationship. But most importantly, concentrate on the things that you’ve learnt from this particular experience. What got us here will never get us there… Analyse. Think about the things you got out of this experience and what you would want from a future relationship? Either way, no matter how bitter we might feel, there will come a time when we will face all that happened with appreciation and gratitude for the life lesson that we wouldn’t get otherwise.
3. Freefall Into the Future
When my mum and dad decided that they wanted a divorce, my mum fell into the deepest desperation and depression. She felt as if she is not worthy of love, connection and happiness. She felt that hat the future was nothing but grim and dark. This couldn’t be further from the truth. She took her time for soul searching.
Did the whole divorce experience shake her? Yes, it did. Did it crush her? Nope. She grew stronger instead. She found her confidence. She realised what she wanted out of a new relationship that she never found in a relationship with my dad. And she got exactly what she wanted. So the future was as bright as she made up her mind for it to become.
4. No Substitute, Please
There was this girl I knew back in uni. She was doing everything virtually possible in order to escape any discomforting feelings after each breakup. So she would jump from one relationship into another without reflecting on why it happened and what she really wanted. She wouldn’t break that cycle for years.
“If he doesn’t like something, fine! He is free to get the hell out of my life. He is not the last train, I will catch another one in 5 minutes” – she used to repeat the same notion. Until my friend fell in love. Truly.
But as it happens, something didn’t work in those relationships. They all ended before she even had a chance to blink. It literally crushed her. She would stay in bed for days. She was angry at the whole world. An idea of starting again was too much to bear for her. So for the first time in her life she took all the time necessary to let herself heal for all of those losses she didn’t realise she cared about. Piece by piece she gathered her broken heart together gaining the meaning and understanding of what those love lessons were about. When she felt the sense of gratitude for each past lesson, that’s when she finally let go and moved on.
There is no need to substitute one relationship with another straight away. Let yourself heal. Take your time.
Sometimes we find ourselves in the past looking desperately for clues on why relationships didn’t turn out the way we hoped. Then we think about the possibilities if things didn’t go wrong and what could have been. And naturally after that follows a little wedding and happily ever after a scene in our mind.
When we are constantly stuck in the parallel “future”, it only keeps us there in the loop and makes the healing process impossible to complete. We stay stuck in that circle of utter confusion, awful pain and desperation. We need to find our peace in the present moment and let our wounds heal naturally.
There is no such thing as failed relationship if we come to think about it for a moment. Each relationship is a lesson that makes us stronger and wiser, even if it hurts for now.
We are always evolving. Learn from your past relationships to have more chance of success in finding your true love.