“The things I carry are my thoughts. That’s it. They are the only weight. My thoughts determine whether I am free and light or burdened.” ― Kamal Ravikant
A few nights ago, something PINCHED me in my sleep, over the last few weeks and months there have been occasions where I have been FRIGHTENED. Why? because something was in my house, behind the shower curtain and touching me while I was asleep. The best part is it was all my own doing. I welcomed these things into my life I felt I was on a ‘spiritual journey’, looking for the signs, connecting to ‘spirit’ and in doing so I became deeply unhappy. I’d fallen down a rabbit hole unable to see an end in sight. It has been quite dark over the last few weeks.
One of my values is honesty. When I started on this new journey I was listening to self-help and positive living podcasts and reading positive living blogs – and then I got a bit lost in it all. I felt myself relying totally on this ‘higher self’ and my ‘guides’ for angels and ended up feeling like I wanted to die. I have an addictive and obsessive personality and I’m not afraid to admit that it can also be positive. I have always been a very honest person and will say when I have done or said something wrong.
I became obsessed with looking for signs, reading blogs about ascension etc and in doing so felt like I lost autonomy in my life along with my self-worth. Every time I saw an animal it was a sign, I was straight on Pinterest or Google. Not realizing at a time, I was missing out on the beauty of the world and time with my husband. As humans, we are fairly impressionable. If someone in a position of power or someone older than me tells me something I’m inclined to believe it or at least consider what they are saying. Here I have learned to be very careful and perhaps my self-esteem isn’t quite as good as I want it to be. In every situation, there is a lesson and certainly, in this case, I am learning and have learned many.
Last year my husband and I moved to Kelowna, a beautiful place and like anywhere else there are many different groups there. I’ve joined spiritual groups and began following different things. I decided to embark on a spiritual journey of self-help, self-love etc. and many people stepped forward to offer information and guidance. I started to meditate constantly and was always asking for guidance now I realize that I was surrendering my life and any self-control I had which eventually led to me feeling in total despair.
How to Terminate the Persistent Feeling of Emptiness
It is never too late to stop things if it isn’t working for us. In the past, I was unhappy. Perhaps unhappiness is a habit forming way of life and even though I was so unhappy I began to engage in activities that mirrored my life. I was unhappy before because I wasn’t living my truth and in this ‘spiritual quest’, I had again become dissatisfied because I wasn’t living my own truth. I was living others people’s idea of what reality is or should be…
I believe you find the answer in yourself and your own personal truth; the truth only lies in your heart. So when you stop living your truth, when you wonder off the beaten path its ok, practice self-forgiveness and turn around.
It is so very easy to look outside of ourselves and look for alternative help when things are going wrong, to think that a crystal will solve a heartache or an oil can cure a blocked chakra. I am holding my hands up here and saying each to their own but I had become a shadow of who I was.
I was struggling to find fun in life; my motivation had disappeared and I wanted to die in search of this ‘higher ascension’, this ‘nirvana’. I have a very happy life with my husband but I was ruining our time together as I had ‘surrender’ to this ‘eradication of the ego; and actually couldn’t get dressed in the morning. Somewhere along the line, I fell down a rabbit hole with no end in sight, but it was never to late to climb out. I’ve learnt some valuable lessons and great skills that I will still use, but honestly, I have to forge out my own path in all of this information.
It all started to feel heavy and complicated – I didn’t see a way out, this spiritual path consumed my life. All I have ever wanted to do was spread love, heal others, spread positive living and happiness. I’m an all-in sort of person as I had read that in order to ‘ascend’ there was no other way; daily meditations, yoga, readings, feeling the energies. However, I got lost and lost myself in it all.
I invited this path into my life, I’ve met some wonderful people all on different journeys but I have come full circle to realize that all I’m searching for is a positive life with love and happiness. I started to become an empty shell of a person so very lost in this never-ending search for the ‘eradication of the ego’ – I had become boring and couldn’t speak to people anymore.
On this journey of life, we often can get a bit lost, fall off our path and take wrong turns – but what’s most important is to stay TRUE TO YOURSELF. It is important to know what is right FOR YOU and what isn’t.
Final Thoughts
In my quest for this ‘nirvana’ and finding ‘enlightenment’ I lost myself and stopped experiencing life, I was living like someone who wanted to win the lottery so pinned everything on that hope, to never win. To be happy is to experience life.
What is right for me is an honest heart, where I love myself and love the people in my life. If you must stop and check, and make changes then do so. The key is living your true heart’ values and in this path living your true destiny through honesty and hard work. Somewhere in-between all I have been experiencing and have started to experience is my truth and that is what I will find and live MY TRUTH, find your truth and live that fully every day.
LOVE, KINDNESS & HONESTY ALWAYS
TANYA