We love those big explosive, happy emotions on a sunny day. But we are not that keen on big challenging emotions. Nope, not negative. Challenging emotions. You can tag them as hard, or difficult, but do you really believe any emotions could be purely negative? Don’t they all serve a purpose? Our emotions are an expression of how we feel at the fleeting moment in time. They are not forever and serve us as a reflection of how we dissipate the energy associated with those incredibly overwhelming feelings.
I am lying in bed at 3 am and as I twist and turn and think about every problem I have ever had. The darkness surrounds me. I feel lonely and my problems feel worse and my mind races at an incredible speed.
I tell myself to try to calm down & relax…
It’s not working and I think am I anxious? … No, not really… is it stress? No.
Then what is it specifically on my mind or keeping me from sleep?
I know I triggered something within me several days ago and it is still here dangling like a carrot in front of my face.
Where is all of this anger coming from?
Why does it dwell within me and linger for endless hours consuming my every thought? I willingly let this irritation feed on my emotions it consumes me and I feel powerless.
Then suddenly I feel sad, very sad. Will I ever be freed from this cycle of self-torture?
My body holds onto memories and carries the pain no matter how I try to process and let it go… the pain is still there.
I feel it and finally, I surrender to the pain knowing that once I do I can then finally work through it and ease the pain my body is consumed with.
I lay there thinking I should try to meditate and as I start becoming conscious of my breathing I feel my shoulders slightly ease. I generate a momentum of all over relaxation trying to keep my mind slow and at ease.
And then it happens…..
Without even realizing it I am back on the road of destruction; what is wrong with me???
I have no rational thoughts right at this minute and so it doesn’t occur to me that I am actually just not thinking right! My emotions are so distorted and my feelings so entangled that I can’t even take the time to stand back and say hey wait a minute –– let me think this out.
If a friend was talking to me and describing these feelings to me I would easily be able to say, listen cut yourself a break or you are not looking at this the right way.
Instead, because my thoughts are on high alert and I am feeling vulnerable, I automatically assume that I must be the cause and creator of this mess!
This is a terrible place to fall and have to spend even a second in because we are not perfect and there is no perfect place to be. We always strive for more but isn’t what we have is enough, at least sometimes?
We carry around just about all we can handle and then when one little extra drop falls into the glass and that’s it….. full on self-destruction and there is the devil on your shoulder saying I won again!
It is easily done and there is a way out, maybe not at that second or even that day but there is a light at the end of this tunnel!
Learning about how you got yourself hooked and stuck on the road of negative thoughts in the first place can be tricky.
The point I am trying to make is that the minute I surrendered and gave up the secret I was holding within that I did actually know why I was feeling this way and that I was aware of the course of events that brought me here.
I just wasn’t able to stop them however I could have slowed them down and not allowed 5 days to be taken from me.
I know I just wasn’t ready to acknowledge what was happening. This almost needed to happen to enable me to work through it. If I really wanted to learn and prepare myself a little better so if there is a next time (& I am pretty sure there will be) I will have the tools to step away and choose not to grab onto that hook.
I held onto that hook for 5 long days thinking it would fade away, it rarely does.
I talked to a friend and as I said earlier she was easily able to see a different side to how I was feeling. She could see that the situation that occurred early on in the week was such a painful emotion that it pulled my entire being into chaos. It simply reminded me too much of something I tried for too long to erase.
I know now that I distorted my views and honestly now that I know this I will be on the lookout of how to be more careful when that trigger button gets hit and how to manage my reaction and coping mechanisms.
I recently was told how life is simply living the “Human Experience” well… I like my experience and even with my days of frustration it only helps to emphasize how beautiful the days in between are!
Now is Not Forever: How to Deal With Uncomfortable Emotions:
- See uncomfortable emotions as signposts, messages and stepping stones to better understanding yourself
- Offer yourself love and compassion you truly deserve
- Allow yourself to take the seat of an observer
- Sit with your emotions, allow them to communicate with you, never repress them
photo source | pexels + giphy