I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me. I deserve better than that; I AM BETTER THAN THAT… Goodbye. ― Steve Maraboli
Have you ever begged someone to stay? Like, literally got on the floor and begged?
I did that once after I discovered my husband was having an affair. I didn’t beg straight away. First I was angry. I ranted and raged, and then I questioned; “Do you love her? Was she better than me? Is she beautiful?” I asked all the crazy things that you want to know when your heart has been broken into a million little pieces.
When he walked out of the door leaving me with our two young children, I held my head high and decided. I will be strong, I will pull myself together, and I will get him back.
So I was kind. I was compassionate. I bent over backward to accommodate his needs, and I blamed myself. I blamed him, her and God. I even contemplated the craziness of letting him have her, providing he stayed at home with “us.”
“What a doormat!” You’re probably thinking, I thought that too.
Six months later when he hadn’t come home, and I had consumed too many glasses of red. I begged him. I got drunkenly down on one knee and pleaded…
“Please don’t leave us, please don’t leave me, our love is bigger than this.” It couldn’t have been very attractive, and yet he said, “Yes, I’ll stay.”
Guilt got to him for 48 hours. He never came home.
It was my rock bottom moment; I was so afraid of the unknown that I was prepared to put up with being treated like I was worthless.
In a break-up, everyone has that rock-bottom moment when you’re called upon to make a choice. The choice of being a victim of your circumstances or the choice of loving yourself. The option of choosing to take this crisis of your heart and find the more profound lesson, the broader meaning, the learning your soul has called forth so you can expand into a deeper part of your true nature, which is inevitably loved.
5 Steps That Will Turn Your Breakup Into a Breakthrough
Reclaiming Your Power In Any Situation Is About Taking 100% Ownership Of How You Show Up
So this is what I did…
Step 1: Acceptance of what is
It was coming up to Christmas, and I knew, I couldn’t let myself go into the New Year feeling this awful, “Enough was enough.” I had to be real with myself and accept it was over. I decided to be responsible for my feelings. I wanted to feel happier. In the words of William Henley, “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.”
Question to ask yourself:
What do I need to accept?
Step 2: Get present to your current reality
In my need to be loved, I wasn’t honest with myself. I was in denial. I realized I was fantasizing about who my husband was, living in a lopsided illusion of who I believed him to be, instead of being present to who he truly was. I made a list of what I was putting up with. It went something like this…
- I’m sick & tired of your complaining
- I’m sick & tired of your inability to be open and communicate
- I’m sick & tired of your lies
- I’m sick & tired of your selfish behavior
- I’m sick & tired of you being an inconsistent father
- I’m sick & tired of you invalidating my feelings
- I’m sick & tired of you expecting me to do everything
The list was endless; I came up with over 100 things I was putting up with, sick and tired of and yes, things I had let him get away with over the months and years. It was transformational, in that it freed me from the fantasy of our relationship.
[bctt tweet=”When you’re in the midst of a break-up, it’s easy to idolize and romanticise the #relationship.” username=”havingtime”]
Question to ask yourself?
What am I putting up with? What am I sick & tired of?
Step 3: Make amends with yourself
Next, I took a long hard look at the list, I went through it and looked for everything I needed to take ownership of. Where had I given my power away? Where had I forgotten my worth and value? When did I permit him to treat me so badly?
I realized I had “overcompensated” in my relationship. I did way too much, I had no boundaries, and I let him disregard my feelings. I realized I had disregarded myself every time I didn’t speak up or hold him accountable for things he said he was going to do and when he didn’t follow through. It was a stark realization; I was part of the problem.
Question to ask yourself:
How did I contribute to the break down of my relationship?
How did I show up in ways where I gave my power away?
Step 4: Compassion and forgiveness for yourself first
In a break up you have to make yourself the PRIORITY. I had to find deep compassion to forgive myself for my mistakes and for how I too, had messed up. In doing this, I was able to extend love to myself and reconnect with the part of me that was innocent and wounded. It hurt, but a wholesome hurt, recognition, and validation of my pain and a knowing that it wasn’t about trying to change what my Ex was doing, but change my relationship with the hurt and how I showed up in the future.
Question to ask yourself:
What do I need to forgive myself? What do I need to forgive in others?
Step 5: Honour the love you shared with a completion ritual
I wrote a letter to him. I wrote about the things I had learned from our relationship. I shared with him how deeply hurt I was, but also how I realized I too was responsible for the way I had allowed him to treat me. I told him, it was over and I was letting him go. I was working on forgiving him, and I shared my vision for our future as co-parents and said I was grateful for our beautiful children.
It wasn’t easy, and yet it did free me. I chose healing, responsibility and love for myself over being a victim.
The question you can ask yourself:
What is my greatest learning in this relationship?
What do I need to do to feel complete?
When we realize that we are twofold, meaning we are both spiritual and physical, we can begin to see that all relationships are here to serve the highest good and our evolution into love. That’s what I learned…
5 Practical Tips For Surviving Your Break-up
#1 Remove all items that remind you of your previous partner, put them in a box if you don’t want to throw them out and put them in the loft or garage. Wait a year and then go through them.
#2 Drink lots of water, eat as much fresh fruit, vegetables and clean food as possible, it helps to flush out the toxins and counterbalance the effects of cortisol (stress hormone).
#3 Get some daily exercise, walk, run, move, dance, go to yoga, do anything to get you in your body, as emotions get stuck in the body and you need to move.
#4 Cleanse your house with sage – light it and go through each room, clapping in the corners, and opening the windows… letting the stale energy out.
#5 Get a non-judgemental buddy or coach who you can talk with and do the inner work of clearing all the emotions and blocks to love.